You know what's a funny thing? When you notice that you've changed. Well, not so much the noticing, but knowing exactly what's changed and how.

I've changed. I know it. I just don't know how long ago.

What's even funnier, I doubt anyone can tell that I have. Even the people that know things no one else knows.

I guess that's because the things I do haven't changed.

It's the reasons that I do them, now. I started doing them just to do them, and in the middle of all of it, my reasons changed. Mostly, the things I shouldn't do.

They can't know why I do them. They all think it's the same old shit, and they're sick of it. They can't know how my mind is killing me every day because these thoughts keep ringing in my head. These chaotically sinful thoughts.

They can't know the pain that I go through every consious second. How I can't keep it out of my mind. I have no control over my thoughts, my wants, my needs. My subconsious has already chosen those for me. I can't object now.

It's controlling me, every part of me. I'm stuck so deeply in this, I'll never get out. I just have to wait until someone sees me in the dark hole. Just wait till they try to get me out. Then everything can blow up. Maybe this darkness, being alone, isn't so bad after all.

I'm too attached. I know that. I can't help it, though. It shouldn't have this hold on me, on my heart. I shouldn't be so dependent. It'll only destroy me, this dependency. But I can't find a way to end it. The farther I should be, the closer I get. If they all knew...what then?

I need help.

Badly.